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Ever get the impressions that no one will really miss me when I'm gone? Will anyone even notice?

I finally had to put my foot down to Mr. A. Hopefully he won't end up being like SOB2. I don't get him. I am fed up with everything. I try to remember we are all some form of human. We all make mistakes. My biggest mistake is trying to follow my heart to the illusion of love. When am I ever going to grow up and quiet chasing after myths? Real love does not exist.

My health has taken a turn for the worse. No matter how hard I try, it's not going well. I am sick of not being as active as I would like to be.

I remember when I was married to SOB2 I had a job that was 8 miles one way. I had no vehicle at the time because he was an idiot. I had just had a nasty car accident that wasn't my fault. So for the first few days I walked to work. Worked a 14 hour shift then walked home alone in the dark. We lived in the bigger city then so it wasn't exactly safe. It was the middle of the hottest summer I had ever lived through. I actually collapsed on a median on the four lane by pass. I physically couldn't move and was laying on the very hot concrete. No one stopped to help me, not even the cop who drove around a few times. After hiding twenty dollars I found a bike at a second hand store. I thought hey, I could do this no problem. I was wrong. It was mostly uphill. I fell off the bike in front of a hospital for troubled teens. A guy came out and gave me some water. He asked if I was ok. I told him I had no choice I had to get to work one way or another. I had to keep surviving and providing. By the time I made it to work, I was an hour late, severely sunburned and dehydrated. If I had to do that now with this newest injury from working in a factory, I wouldn't make it no matter how much I would push myself.

I am behind frustrated at the moment. Mr. A is just not working out. He is waaaaaaaaaaay too lazy. He keeps calling in for work and never works over time. Never lifts a finger around the house. But I have no where to go. Money is beyond tight. Our weekly budget for food and supplies are maybe 100 dollars. I'm just pissed. This wasn't how I thought things were going to turn out for me.